Why? First and foremost, it's about work at the office. Old Ji is the project manager for software development project A. This project involves creating a game for users, with the team consisting of a game designer, an artist, and programmers. The designer first creates a proposal based on client requirements, then develops a test version.After the test version was released, the client was highly dissatisfied, raising numerous objections. They argued the concept lacked novelty and the controls were unfriendly, demanding revisions. This led to a heated debate among the team members over how to proceed. The designer insisted their proposal was sound, blaming the programmer for subpar development that resulted in clunky controls. The programmer countered that the game's core logic design was flawed, forcing them to violate technical conventions, which made the product feel stiff and disjointed.With the debate going nowhere, the programmers finally conceded and made the changes requested by the designers. After the second beta version was submitted, the clients still felt it didn't meet their requirements and refused to pay. Old Ji now realized the situation was serious. Because several members of the development team were each insisting on their own views and arguing endlessly, they actually had no clear understanding of what the clients truly needed. Old Ji approached Manager Wang from the marketing department, hoping he would send sales rep Xiao Li to communicate with the clients and come up with specific revision suggestions.Days passed without any feedback from the client. Old Ji grew impatient and called Xiao Li to ask what was going on. Xiao Li replied that the client was too busy to spare the time. Old Ji was furious, feeling Xiao Li wasn't taking the matter seriously and was just going through the motions. He went out of his way to find Xiao Li and sternly laid out his expectations, insisting that Xiao Li personally visit the client to gather feedback.As a veteran leader in the company, Old Ji commanded respect from everyone. Naturally, Xiao Li dared not delay and promptly complied. At the weekend meeting, Old Ji encountered Manager Wang and intended to discuss the project revisions again. Unexpectedly, Manager Wang adopted a cold, detached attitude, saying to Old Ji, "Oh, Mr. Ji,isn't your project just terrible? It keeps sending my sales reps back to clients for scolding, delaying deals with my other customers." Old Ji hit a wall, feeling bitter inside. Just days ago, Wang had promised to help—why the sudden change today? What had he done wrong?
Work troubles were bad enough, but what really got to Old Ji was the turmoil at home.His wife, Xiuli, was the model homemaker—always thinking of the family—but her temper was unbearable. Take TV viewing, for instance. Xiuli strictly forbade the kids from watching it, fearing it would harm their studies and ruin their eyesight. Especially during meals—that was absolutely forbidden. She claimed it caused indigestion.But Old Ji thought his wife was overreacting. Occasional TV viewing hardly warranted all those dire consequences she described. Besides, constantly nagging the kids about it led to frequent arguments between the couple—a situation where the cure was worse than the disease. Xiu Li, in turn, resented her husband for failing to set a good example for the children, refusing to cooperate with her parenting efforts, and always going against her! Old Ji couldn't help but wonder why women had to be so troublesome.
Whether at work, home, or in daily interactions, certain things remain baffling. Sometimes people argue endlessly and clash constantly over reasons unknown, neither willing to compromise. When this happens, we need to consider whether a power struggle lies beneath the surface of the conflict.
The cause of interpersonal conflict can stem from a specific incident or from underlying disharmony in the relationship.This imbalance often stems from an unequal distribution of power: the dominant party seeks to control everything, while the weaker party seeks every opportunity to fight back. Thus, contradictions and conflicts inevitably persist. In Old Ji's software development project team, the designers held the primary power, frequently issuing orders and acting arbitrarily. Others were deprived of their right to speak and make decisions, naturally leading to resentment.When problems arose, arguments became less about finding solutions and more about venting pent-up frustration. Similarly, when Old Ji needed the marketing department's sales team to help coordinate client relationships, his impatience led him to directly order the sales staff to follow his instructions. This threatened the authority of Manager Wang from the marketing department, making it no surprise that she gave him the cold shoulder. At home, Old Ji and his child were clearly the "oppressed," while his wife, Xiuli, ruled the household.Everything must follow his wife's direction—even minor matters like choosing what to watch on TV are decided by her. It's easy to imagine that household finances, the children's education, and countless other decisions rest solely with Xiuli. As a husband and father, Lao Ji also needs a voice and decision-making power in family affairs. Yet, unable to confront his wife directly, he subconsciously vies for control through seemingly trivial matters. Even when his wife's opinion is correct, he refuses to comply.Xiuli accused her husband of deliberately opposing her, sensing the growing tension in their marriage. Yet she failed to recognize that this very tension stemmed from her own actions.
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The Need for Control${FDPageBreak}
The Need for Control
The ubiquitous struggle for power exists because everyone craves psychological security—a sense of control over their personal environment.When an individual loses control over matters affecting their life—be it work, family, or relationships—anxiety arises. Lack of control means unforeseen adverse outcomes could occur, leaving them unprepared to anticipate or manage them. This anxiety drives people to seek opportunities to regain control, manifesting behaviorally as power struggles—sometimes over speaking rights, decision-making authority, or the ability to direct others.In the workplace, overstepping authority is highly frowned upon, as it infringes upon others' leadership rights within their department. Family conflicts often stem not from major principles but from trivial matters—arguments over minor issues are essentially battles for control over household affairs. Examples include a husband resenting his wife's perceived authoritarianism at home, or in-laws feeling disrespected when their daughter-in-law fails to show them proper deference.Truthfully, if people would calmly sit down to resolve issues, what problem couldn't be negotiated? Power struggles in interpersonal relationships can lead to adverse consequences: 1. Internal competition. This creates internal strife (internal friction), hindering smooth work progress; 2. Deteriorating relationships. 3. Incorrect decisions and actions.The core of power struggles often revolves around preserving one's dominant position rather than genuinely resolving issues. Consequently, individuals frequently cling stubbornly to their positions regardless of facts, even when inwardly aware of their incorrectness. For instance, when parents interfere in their children's marriage choices, the children may deliberately choose someone their parents dislike, ultimately sacrificing their own lifelong happiness...
4. Passive-aggressive behavior from the weaker party.When power imbalances in relationships become extreme, with one party holding absolute dominance, the seemingly submissive side may outwardly comply but inwardly harbor resentment. Since decisions rest solely with the dominant party, the subordinate may disengage, resorting to half-hearted efforts, passive resistance, or even deliberately creating inexplicable "mistakes" to provoke frustration in the dominant figure.This dynamic is most common within families. Parents typically hold absolute dominance over their children. Under parental authoritarianism, children often appear meek and obedient, yet they frequently make elementary mistakes—like forgetting pens for exams or inexplicably damaging valuable household items.Often, the children themselves cannot explain why they act this way. In truth, suppressed anger inevitably finds ways to "express" itself, aiming to provoke the "ruler."
Competition or Cooperation?
How to prevent power struggles from damaging relationships and transform them into collaborative negotiations? The principles seem straightforward and uncomplicated, yet putting them into practice is far from easy. Can you manage it?
Key Point One: Equality.Even if you possess greater authority, status, wealth, intelligence, or ability, it doesn't mean you can command and rule others as a matter of course.
Key Point 2: Respect. Everyone needs to be respected. It makes them feel like a "person" and thus willing to strive to live like one.Without self-respect, where would rational thought, responsibility, and a spirit of cooperation come from?
Key Point Three: Trust. Eliminating hostility and confrontation requires mutual trust, and the most important thing in building trust is for everyone to let down their guard and be open with each other. The secret is to have the courage to admit your mistakes and give up the desire to control others;
Key Point Four: Communication.All noble intentions require communication to be understood and accepted; strong communication skills are indispensable. Key Point Five: Cooperation. To foster mutual cooperation, one must first take action oneself! (The above content is exclusively authorized for use by Family Doctor Online. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.)