Before you know it, maternity leave ends and moms return to work. Childcare duties often fall to grandparents. Yet elders tend to rely on passed-down methods, sometimes resorting to harsh discipline that leaves parents dismayed.
Six Phrases from Elders That Parents Must Correct (Public Health Network)
Raising a baby is a journey of mutual growth. When faced with inappropriate parenting from elders, how should parents respond? Scold and blame? Stay silent? In fact, elders' misguided examples call for parents' tactful resolution. When elders recognize their mistakes, babies learn and grow stronger through the experience.
1. "The floor is so bad it hurt the baby—hit it!"
—Shifting blame
When a baby falls or bumps into something, besides rushing to pick them up, there's a uniquely Chinese response: hitting the floor, table, or chair to "punish" these objects for "hurting" the child.While many factors cause falls, blaming innocent objects sends a deeply flawed message. This externalizes responsibility that belongs to the child, fostering the mistaken belief that mistakes are "someone else's fault" and teaching them to shirk accountability.
Correct Approach: The baby must be careful.
After witnessing a fall, encourage the baby verbally to get up on their own. This helps cultivate resilience and builds confidence in overcoming challenges.
2. "Good baby, sit still"
— Hinders independence development
Elders often treat babies with excessive caution, fearing they might get hurt if left alone. They frequently coax children to sit quietly and play by themselves.This not only stifles their lively nature but also hinders the development of independence and creativity. Overprotection actually suppresses a baby's ability to become self-reliant and confident, increasing dependency and making them more prone to becoming spoiled.
The right approach: Provide your baby with a free space to play with other children.
To cultivate a healthy personality, give your baby ample freedom in daily life. Parents should encourage their child to develop the will to try everything independently. Therefore, in everyday situations, parents must be practical, allowing the baby to make various decisions on their own. Granting them more time to play games or learn new things is crucial for nurturing independence and creativity.
3. "Stop crying, Grandma will give you candy"
— Prone to fostering self-centeredness and stubbornness
When babies cry, elders often resort to candy to placate them. Over time, if elders consistently give in to tantrums and fulfill unreasonable demands, it will only make the child more stubborn and increasingly unmanageable.Excessive indulgence and appeasement can foster self-centeredness, leading to negative traits like selfishness and stubbornness.
Correct Approach: Maintain Firm Boundaries.
When children misbehave, parents must consistently uphold principles, as sound parenting values are essential. Love them, but avoid spoiling them.When a child exhibits willful behavior, parents must strictly set boundaries without easily compromising or yielding. They should also help the child understand the limits of their actions, instilling the concept that "not everything is permissible" and restricting unreasonable demands. Therefore, parents should consistently communicate what is acceptable and unacceptable, thereby cultivating a sense of rules and proper conduct.Grandma will get it for you
—May make the baby timid and shy
"Baby, don't touch it. Grandma will get it for you." This scenario is not uncommon in grandparent-led childcare. Elders often shower babies with affection and excessive attention, doing everything for them and indulging them at every turn. This limits the baby's opportunities to learn skills, leading to issues like stubbornness, strong dependency, and poor self-care abilities.
Correct approach: Let the baby do it themselves.
Babies often engage in seemingly risky yet innovative exploratory behaviors like "destruction" or "messing around" driven by curiosity. If elders constantly rush to stop and judge these actions, it stifles the baby's curiosity, adventurous spirit, and innovative drive.This can easily make babies timid and shy. 5. "It's dirty, don't play on the floor" — Restricting the baby's lively personality Some elders are overly concerned about the baby's cleanliness, hygiene, and safety, constantly imposing restrictions like "don't do this" or "don't do that." This stifles the development of the baby's personality.
Older adults often prefer quiet over activity and outings, yet a baby's language and social skills depend on constant interaction with the outside world to spark their interest. Elders may have limited capacity to provide fresh stimuli, nurture a baby's ability to recognize and explore things, and may even lead to a narrow worldview and lack of vitality. This hinders the development of an open-minded, lively, and tolerant personality.
The Right Approach: Play Freely Within Safe Boundaries
Encourage your child to play in sand, mud, puddles after rain, or climb piles of rocks or sand. Simply dress them appropriately and ensure safety, then let them play freely. This unrestricted, free play will help your child develop an open personality.
Parents should observe carefully and encourage their child to play with cheerful, healthy peers who are slightly younger. This fosters self-confidence and mutual support.
6. If he keeps pushing you, stop playing with him
—This hinders your child's learning of social rules
It's natural to worry your child might be bullied by older children. However, children's interactions are simple and direct—their expressions of emotion are often straightforward and usually without malice. Children of different ages have their own rules for play; adults should not impose their own rules on children's world.Children learn cooperation, patience, and coordination through play—without these experiences, how can they grasp social norms?
When adults directly intervene in children's relationships, it disrupts and undermines their natural interactions.
Correct approach: When your child faces bullying, teach them self-protection strategies.
Prioritize their safety first, then empower them to "stop violence."As for how to stop violence, let the child figure it out themselves. Don't underestimate their intelligence—they are quite clever. If the child fights back, they will learn that they can stop others' violence through their own actions. At this point, parents should guide them to "be mindful of boundaries when retaliating, avoiding attacks or harm." If the child tells their parents or elders, they will learn that external support can resolve problems.
Intergenerational childcare, as an objective form of family education, profoundly influences a child's personality development. Parents must recognize that they remain the primary educators. Therefore, avoid delegating childcare to grandparents solely for convenience, nor should you refuse their involvement out of fear they'll spoil the child, severing the bond between generations.
Whether living with grandparents or temporarily placing the baby in their care, we must prioritize coordinating with elders. Always approach situations with the baby's healthy development as the foundation, actively resolving conflicts to achieve a win-win outcome in intergenerational parenting.