"Since ancient times, daughters-in-law have been expected to endure, but now, as a mother-in-law, I've reached my limit!" Xianzhen, a Shanghai native living in Atlanta, stated: "Though my daughter-in-law holds a PhD, she can neither care for the children nor cook properly at home, let alone manage the household frugally."
Facing the family counselor, Xianzhen grew increasingly agitated:I stay home to care for the children. I prepare meals during their naps, working myself to exhaustion by the end of the day. After dinner, when I finally get a moment to catch my breath and hope to share a few words with my son, my daughter-in-law sits nearby with a sour expression, clearly resentful that I'm 'taking over' her husband."
The counselor opened her mouth to respond but before a word could escape, Xianzhen continued: "I'm not some old-fashioned mother-in-law. I have a college education. Back in my day, we worked, did housework, raised three or four kids on our own, and often had political study sessions at night. Young people today are spoiled rotten.
Not only that, but often I'll have dinner ready, holding my grandson while waiting for them to come home, only for them to call and say something came up and they won't be back for dinner.Is that any way to treat someone? In their eyes, I'm not even as good as a maid!"
Ms. Gu Yun, a family counselor practicing in the Detroit area, says such situations are not uncommon in her cases. In the minds of many mothers-in-law living with their sons, their daughters-in-law act like the mistresses of the house, while they themselves seem reduced to mere servants who obey orders and do chores.
In response to these grievances, Ms. Gu Yun and several family counseling experts offer the following advice. They hope those fortunate enough to be mothers-in-law will put these principles into practice. Remember, you reap what you sow—and the rewards may be greater than you expect.▲ Maintain perspective and learn to let go. Your children are adults now, capable of making their own decisions. As elders, embrace the transition from "head of the household" to "advisor." Close, long-term cohabitation between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law inevitably involves friction. For minor household matters, practice patience and restraint—avoid nitpicking. Focus on the positive, appreciate the endearing qualities of the younger generation, and understand the pressures they face.
If you genuinely feel hurt, express it appropriately. Avoid interfering in your children's affairs and refrain from offering unsolicited advice on their decisions. Steer clear of comparing today's youth to "the good old days," and never gossip about your daughter-in-law in front of others.
▲ Accept what cannot be changed. Since your son has chosen his wife, the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is set. As long as your son is happy, you must strive to accept this reality. What could be more vital to family stability and harmony than a loving son and daughter-in-law? If they were to separate because of the in-laws, not only would the elders lose peace in their later years, but it would also harm the healthy development of the grandchildren.
▲Put yourself in her shoes. Understand that the expressions of love between mother and son differ greatly from those between husband and wife. Therefore, do not impose your own way of loving your son onto your daughter-in-law. Recall when you were young and married—didn't you also hope your husband would give you more attention and spend more time with you? By empathizing with your daughter-in-law, you will be more willing to allow the young couple their private space.▲ Avoid being overly sensitive. Occasional arguments or harsh words between the young couple are inevitable. As a mother-in-law, don't assume every disagreement stems from you. The best approach is to step back. Overly interfering in your children's marriage or the upbringing of your grandchildren rarely helps and often makes matters worse.
▲ Cultivate gratitude and affection. Don't view your daughter-in-law as having "taken" your son away. Instead, thank her for ending his wandering single life, caring for his needs, and tirelessly bearing his children. Praise her often in front of your son—when she hears these words, she will surely respect you more.
People are emotional beings. Every ounce of kindness a mother-in-law shows her daughter-in-law adds to the "emotional bank account." With sufficient "deposits," occasional minor friction or misunderstandings won't escalate into major conflicts, and mutual communication and understanding become easier.
Expand your social circle. Moving overseas brings changes to your living environment, severing ties with old friends. Combined with language barriers and transportation challenges, loneliness can intensify. Therefore, learn to find joy independently—join church or community activities, read, exercise, make new friends, tend to plants, and so on. This prevents fixating solely on household matters, where every detail becomes a source of worry and frustration.