My son has always been lively and energetic since childhood, but during adolescence, he became even more unruly. The more I told him to do something, the more he refused, driving me to hit him in frustration. Sometimes I even chained him up at home. As I kept hitting him, my son grew taller than me. At first, he would run outside when beaten, but later he started fighting back.Watching him misbehave while feeling powerless to stop him left me utterly exhausted and at a loss.
Many parents share this experience: when children reach thirteen or fourteen, they constantly defy their parents. If you tell them to go east, they insist on going west. This phase can last two to three years. In some children, this "rebellion" is pronounced—often reducing mothers to tears and making fathers tremble with rage. In others, it may be milder, yet most parents sense this defiance.Psychoanalytic theorists refer to this adolescent phase as the "phase of hostility toward parents."
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How should parents provide proper psychological intervention during this "phase of hostility"? Beyond strengthening emotional communication with their child, they must also be mindful of how their own behavior influences the child.
Regarding emotional communication with children, parents should note the following points: (1) When your child discusses topics of interest, listen attentively. Avoid half-listening or multitasking (e.g., watching TV) while they speak. If occupied with urgent matters, briefly explain the situation to gain their understanding.(2) Even if you disagree with your child's opinion initially, listen patiently until they finish speaking to fully understand their perspective. Present your views through an exchange of ideas rather than lecturing without considering their input. (3) Speak in a respectful tone, not a lecturing one. Respecting your child fosters mutual respect; lecturing often breeds resentment and opposition, achieving the opposite effect. (4)Parents should acknowledge their child's growing self-awareness and developing cognitive abilities. Guide and assist them in correctly understanding the physiological and psychological characteristics of their age group, clearly pointing out their remaining immaturity, dependency, and one-sided perspectives. (5) Seek your child's input on household matters. If their suggestion is reasonable or aligns with the adults' opinion, make the decision based on their idea. This enhances their sense of involvement in family affairs and responsibility, thereby promoting harmonious family relationships.
Since parents' own behaviors directly influence children's psychological development, parents should also note the following points in their daily conduct: (1) Set a good example. As the saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words." If you smoke yourself, you cannot convince your child not to smoke. Adolescents generally learn and evaluate others—including their parents—based on behavior rather than words.(2) Avoid micromanaging every action your child takes. Allow them independence in many matters. When intervention is necessary, adopt an appropriate approach—aggressive methods can create or deepen rifts. (3) Respect your child's privacy.Traditional Chinese culture often disregards children's privacy, leading to instances like parents opening their children's mail or reading their diaries. Such actions can provoke emotional resistance. Parents should instead approach their children with care and respect. (4) Maintain composure in all situations and avoid overreacting. Even a single instance of excessive behavior can create lasting emotional scars.