While grandparents possess time and experience advantages in raising grandchildren, overstepping or misplacing roles in intergenerational caregiving can disrupt healthy parent-child relationships. Experts advise grandparents to maintain appropriate boundaries in educating the next generation—staying within their role as competent supporting players rather than taking over primary responsibilities. Regarding children's education, only one set of values, one voice, and one authority should prevail: the child's parents.
Grandparents' Role: "Be a Competent Supporting Player"
The report indicates four primary models of intergenerational childcare: round-the-clock care 365 days a year; daily care for approximately 8 hours; a five-day-a-week schedule with children returned to parents on weekends; and alternating care between paternal and maternal grandparents.
Grandma Jin lives in the same neighborhood as her son. To support his career ambitions, she diligently fulfills her role as a "part-time caregiver": arriving at her son's home at 7 a.m. daily to take over duties—preparing breakfast, tending to the child, cleaning the house...At 7 p.m., after the family finishes dinner, her day's work concludes. She hands over her grandson to her daughter-in-law and heads home exhausted, effectively commuting seven times a day.
Grandma Song has been fully immersed in her role since her grandson's birth. During the day, she and her husband handle all household chores at their son's home. The elderly couple has a clear division of labor: her husband takes the grandson to the park daily, while Grandma Song focuses on "shopping, laundry, and cooking" to manage three meals a day.At night, to allow her son and daughter-in-law to rest for work, the grandson slept in the same room with the grandparents. Often, they had to rise from warm beds to feed him milk or change his diapers...
Today, families like Grandma Jin's and Grandma Song's, where grandparents bear the primary childcare burden, are increasingly common. However, Le Shanyao, a family education expert at the Shanghai Academy of Educational Sciences, does not endorse this parenting model.He believes grandparents' education of grandchildren should not and cannot replace that of parents. The parent-child bond is rooted in blood ties, carrying irreplaceable educational responsibilities and obligations. A child's attachment to parents and the sense of security derived from them form an innate emotional connection that no one else can substitute.Grandparents' willingness to participate does not absolve parents of their responsibilities. Shifting the entire burden of a child's upbringing and education onto elders is irresponsible toward the child's development.
Le Shanyao advises that grandparents should reasonably define their role in raising the third generation, serving as competent supporting players without overstepping or assuming primary responsibility.Grandparents and their own children should learn from each other, bridge the "generation gap," and form a united front to create a family education environment where two generations communicate, share, and complement each other's strengths. Grandma's House and Grandpa's House Need to Align on Education Xiao Ling is seven years old. Her grandparents live in the same neighborhood, but she dislikes visiting them because they micromanage her and have strict rules about everything.Once, when she tossed a scrap of paper out the window onto the community lawn, her grandfather insisted she retrieve it and dispose of it in the trash bin. She adores her maternal grandmother, who lives far away. Every Sunday, she clamors to visit her grandmother's home because she always buys her snacks, gives her pocket money, and never nags her...
Le Shanyao believes that between grandparents and parents—between the child's paternal and maternal grandparents—two sets of educational philosophies and methods exist. Though they never clash directly, when projected onto the child, they pull in opposite directions. This may be a hidden conflict, leaving the child confused and at a loss.
Grandparents Shouldn't Overstep to "Protect" Children
Grandpa Wang felt his son was too strict with his grandson: no more than half an hour of TV daily. In Grandpa Wang's view, what's wrong with watching TV? So Grandpa became his grandson's "strong backing." He told the boy, "If Dad won't let you watch TV, Grandpa will let you. If Dad tries to hit you, Grandpa will hit him instead!"On one occasion, Grandpa Wang even delivered two punches to his son in front of the child, leaving the father to swallow his anger without retaliation.
Experts point out that if grandparents fail to correctly position themselves—whether through misplaced or overstepping roles—it inevitably creates a void in parents' involvement in their children's upbringing. "Excessive attachment between grandparents and grandchildren can become a barrier to communication between parents and children.When grandparents constantly interfere in parents' child-rearing, positioning themselves as educators or even asserting personal authority in front of the child, it weakens the child's attachment to and sense of security with their parents, creating barriers in the parent-child relationship," stated Le Shanyao.
Experts Advise: Grandparents Should Avoid Misalignment, Parents Should Remain Present
During his lecture on "Grandchild Education," Le Shanyao guided the grandparents in attendance: "It's their child; let them decide how to raise it.When it comes to raising children, only one set of values, one voice, and one authority should prevail—that of the child's parents. The primary channel for family education is parent-child interaction. Parents need to grow through the experience of parenting. There are no perfect parents in this world; only those who surpass their own parents can truly excel. At the same time, Le Shanyao believes that "while harmonious and interactive grandparenting models can take many forms, three key relationships must be managed well first."
1. The relationship between grandparents and their children. The bond between parents and children is a blood-related parent-child relationship, an educational responsibility and obligation that no one can replace.A child's attachment and sense of security toward their parents stem from a natural emotional bond that cannot be replicated. Grandparents' role in educating grandchildren should not and cannot replace that of the parents. Therefore, grandparents must define their appropriate position in educating the third generation—avoiding misplacement or overstepping boundaries. They should serve as competent supporting actors rather than taking over the primary role.The bond between grandparents and grandchildren is characterized by a "generational affection." Excessive indulgence by grandparents inevitably fosters undue dependency in grandchildren, hindering the development of their independence.The prevailing tendency in current grandparenting is unconditional indulgence and excessive pampering, with elders willingly becoming children's "safe havens." This fosters a self-centered attitude in children. Conversely, over-restricting and overprotecting children can stifle their curiosity and spirit of adventure and innovation.
III. Grandparents and In-Laws. Differences in educational philosophies and methods between grandparents and in-laws from distinct cultural backgrounds are inevitable when raising the third generation. Therefore, mutual respect and learning from each other's strengths are essential to achieve a cohesive educational approach.As parents, it is essential to create a platform for communication between the two sets of grandparents. This facilitates alignment on educational goals for the shared next generation based on scientific principles, while converging on methods rather than acting independently and counteracting each other. The key to communication lies in mutual respect and understanding.