An article by Taiwanese author Li Kunshan, published in Taiwan's China Times Electronic News, points out that young children's words and actions often mirror those of adults. To raise children well, the first step is to set a good example for them to follow.
Excerpted from the article:
At a bustling train station in Hualien, Taiwan, a clear yet unyielding child's voice pierced my ears: "Daddy, you're so annoying! You're useless!" The man, standing just a few feet away, sighed deeply. I couldn't bring myself to look up at him—he must have felt utterly humiliated.
At a Toys "R" Us not far from my home in the U.S., my son and I were waiting in line to check out. Ahead of us, a boy of about ten was flipping through and touching the store displays. His father casually asked him to stop messing with the items. The boy turned and snapped, "Shut up!"I expected the father to fly into a rage and discipline him, but he merely rubbed his nose and said nothing.
Waiting alone for the high-speed train at Qingdao Station, I was enduring the stifling heat when a phrase like a cold icicle pierced the air from behind: "You're fanning too slowly. Fan faster."I couldn't help but glance sideways at the sweaty mother and the emperor she was tending to.
After a lecture in Hsinchu, Taiwan, my friend and I hopped into a taxi. The sharp-eyed driver sensed from our brief conversation that we were educators. So he asked us earnestly, "Kids are fine when they're little—they listen. But once they hit adolescence, they become unmanageable and just get worse and worse. What's going on?" My friend and I exchanged bewildered glances, unsure how to respond. Both our families had teenagers, and while they had the typical hormonal ups and downs of adolescence, they weren't getting progressively worse.
Young children speak hurtfully—because adults resort to scolding when angry
The toddlers who curse their parents or treat them like servants, and the increasingly troublesome teenagers—none of them were born that way. It's their environment that cultivates their "habit" of disrespecting others and using hurtful words;It is adults who, unconsciously and over time, have allowed children to develop this self-centered attitude and habit of verbal aggression.
When toddlers lash out with hurtful words like "You're useless!" or "I hate you," they are merely mimicking the expressions of anger they've learned. From the behavior of adults in their environment, they learn that anger is expressed through "shouting";From adults' mouths, they learn to respond to anger with "hurtful words." The phrase "You're useless!" is likely something children hear from their father or mother! When couples argue in front of their child, or one partner frequently uses such language to criticize the other in the child's presence, the child opens their learning channel, simultaneously absorbing "this is how to express anger" and "these are the words to say when angry."
A young child's learning is like a camera or a sponge—they absorb everything indiscriminately because their life is just beginning and they need to build up their inventory. If the inventory provided by adults consists of kind communication patterns, the child gradually learns to communicate well. If the inventory consists of hurtful, aggressive language, the child gradually learns to respond in kind.
Young children lack respect for others—because adults revolve everything around them.
They demand of adults with utmost urgency: "You're fanning too slowly, fan faster!" This stems from their ingrained attitude and language that everything must revolve around them.From adults constantly doing things for them and thinking for them in their environment, children learn that their own needs are the center of the universe. From adults constantly apologizing, they learn to explain adult shortcomings with the mindset: "It's the adult's fault."
"You're waving too slowly, wave faster." This phrase is likely the conclusion the child draws from repeatedly hearing adults say things like, "Alright, I'm already going as fast as I can." When adults make unnecessary sacrifices to do everything for the child, the child opens his learning channel, simultaneously absorbing the lessons: "My needs are paramount" and "My needs depend on others for fulfillment."
A young child's self-awareness functions like a camera or a sponge. They first see and understand themselves through the eyes of adults in their environment. Because young children don't yet know who they are or what they are capable of, they need to piece together their self-image, confidence, and self-respect bit by bit, like a puzzle.
So, how should adults respond?It begins with daily life—cultivating habits of waiting and considering others. For instance, imagine you're frantically stir-frying when your child demands you find their toy immediately. You might give in to their tears, reluctantly drop the spatula, frown, and rush to search. This habit risks teaching them self-centered thinking and behavior.
In such situations, you could instead calmly turn to your child and say, "I'll help you find it after I finish cooking this dish. Please wait a moment." Though your child might be unhappy about the delay, this presents a valuable teaching opportunity for adults to help children learn patience and respect for others' needs. After you've finished cooking and found the toy, don't forget to add:Thank you for waiting for Mommy!" This helps the child understand that their waiting is an act of respect—a positive choice.
In a caring environment, children learn to care; in a respectful environment, children learn respect. This time-honored parenting principle never goes out of style. There are no bad children, only parents like you and me who may have inadvertently fostered unhealthy habits...