The greatest lie within a family is the notion that "children understand nothing." When family members hold this belief, they often inflict harm on children without realizing it, feeling justified in their actions. In China, many families operate this way, causing children significant emotional damage through daily interactions. Let's examine what these harms entail.
1. Family Discord
When adults fail to show restraint and frequently blame each other, it creates psychological storms for children—whether it's parents arguing or conflicts between parents and grandparents. Too young to intervene, children often retreat to corners to cry silently.
A harmonious family atmosphere is as vital to a child's growth as ample sunlight and water. The relationship between parents is like the weather for the child. With their tender hearts, harsh weather not only hinders their healthy physical and mental development but often leaves lifelong psychological scars. Building a warm, loving family is a fundamental responsibility parents owe their children.
2. No Privacy
Having diaries read and backpacks searched was routine. To monitor us completely, our parents employed cunning tactics when we resisted and force when we yielded, euphemistically calling it "superior inspection."
Consider this story: A girl's parents, fearing she might make mistakes in romance, followed her everywhere. They confiscated her phone, took turns escorting her to and from school, and locked her in her room upon returning home. This sparked intense rebellion in the girl—she wanted to show her parents a thing or two. The result? She became pregnant during the strictest period of parental supervision. When interviewed, she explained:Even if I handed over my phone, I could borrow a classmate's. I had keys to my house. He'd call me when he arrived downstairs, and I'd toss the keys out the window. He'd come up, unlock the door, and we'd meet. Locking me inside was completely ineffective. The more they 'imprisoned' me like this, the more I wanted to show them a thing or two. My pregnancy was my 'show of defiance'—it was 'forced' upon me."This is a heartbreaking true story from real life. Setting aside the disrespect this approach shows toward the child, the act of surveillance itself is not only ineffective but dangerous—it's like trying to stop a leak by plugging it up.
So what can be done instead of monitoring? The most effective approach is to cultivate reasonable attitudes and values in children. In short, parents should teach their children how to make choices, rather than monitoring, substituting, or forcing choices upon them.
3. Parental Conduct
Children hear teachers praise the beauty of language only to return home to adults cursing in the streets. They receive lessons on public morality in class, only to see parents littering or keeping found money. This can create inner conflict and confusion for children whose moral compass is still developing.
Civilizational progress means children start with higher standards of public ethics and self-cultivation than their parents. So let's set aside parental authority and learn from our children. This is the result and trend of our times—nothing to be embarrassed about. In fact, we have much more to learn from them.
4. Parents Not Playing with Them Children cherish family playtime most, yet such opportunities are rare.Adults have their own worlds and forms of entertainment. In China, spending time playing with children has long been considered optional.
Spend more time with your children, play games together, and witness their daily growth and transformation—what a wonderful experience! Once children enter adolescence or become older, such opportunities diminish. Cherish this heavenly joy while you can.Fathers, don't think spending time with your wife and children is beneath you—that's the dregs of feudal male chauvinism. The more civilized a society or social class, the more it values family time. 5. No Room for Debate There was no chance to appeal. If one insisted on arguing, it was seen as backtalk and insubordination, leading to severe punishment.
This epitomizes feudal patriarchal authority—the antithesis of equality and democracy, causing immense harm! Imagine if children grow accustomed to accepting injustice, if they lose all sense of independent thought beyond seeking permission. How will our beloved children navigate their lives? Cultivating rational children who dare to voice their opinions is far more crucial than preserving adult pride.
6. Parents' Unhealthy Habits or Addictions
Smoke-filled rooms, reeking of alcohol, the clatter of mahjong tiles—behind these bad habits often lies a flawed character. When adults drink too much, lose at mahjong, or lose their temper, children bear the brunt. Children who constantly suffer for no reason struggle to feel secure.
Harmful habits not only severely damage one's own health but also bring distress to the entire family. No matter how long a habit has persisted, it's time to grit your teeth and quit. There's no such thing as an unchangeable habit—only people unwilling to change!
7. Lack of Tolerance and Understanding
We are still young, with immature thinking and physical abilities. Often, our mistakes and mishaps are far from intentional, yet we receive neither the tolerance nor understanding we deserve.
A major reason for the widespread lack of a pioneering spirit among Chinese people is that during childhood, failed attempts were neither tolerated nor encouraged, fostering a fear of trying.Parents and friends should forgive children's unintentional mistakes and encourage them to pursue their ideas. Even if unsuccessful, these experiences offer invaluable growth opportunities.
8. Verbal Abuse Adults often speak without restraint, unaware that "kind words warm three winters, while harsh words chill even in June." Unless you're a child, you can never truly grasp the pain of being scolded or belittled by parents.
Even when speaking to your own children, choose your words carefully. The younger the child, the more they rely on their parents' evaluations. Negative criticism and harsh emotions inflict significant harm. In truth, the same words can be delivered from different angles and in different ways. A perspective rooted in kindness and encouragement yields far more positive results than blame and belittlement.
9. Learning and Exams
When learning permeates daily life and daily life becomes consumed by learning, children lose the freedom and joy of childhood. Parents fear pride if their child excels, yet a poor score brings a "stormy night." This emotional volatility harms children—a reality many have experienced firsthand.
Parents' desire for their children to excel academically is understandable. The problem lies in how to genuinely support them. In reality, most parents' demands and pressure on their children prove ineffective, resulting in wasted effort and no reward.
10. Being wrongly accused
Getting high marks on tests or essays only to be suspected of cheating; breaking a vase, losing money, or causing younger siblings to cry—and being blamed for it; trying to do a good deed with the best intentions, but messing it up or not finishing it, only to be mistakenly accused of mischief and harshly scolded.
Without investigation, we have no right to speak. Even if a child is mischievous, immature, or has a "history," we should keep our doubts to ourselves until the truth is clear. Don't rush to accuse them. Being wrongly accused is deeply unpleasant—it shows a profound lack of trust and respect for the child. Think about how it feels when friends or bosses doubt or accuse us unfairly, and we'll understand how distressed the child must feel.
11. Parental Broken Promises
Failing to honor commitments, fulfilling them only partially, or delaying indefinitely—regardless of how much the child has longed for or waited.
Two significant negative impacts of parental broken promises: First, parental authority is severely undermined, and parental authority is the foundation of education;Second, it sets a negative example for children. If you don't keep your word, you can hardly expect your child to do so. Unless you can monitor them constantly, the possibility of them breaking promises always exists.
12. Lack of Respect
Models they build get thrown away, wall art they create gets torn down, pets they raise get given away or eaten. When they make a mistake, parents tell everyone about it.
Parents often lack respect themselves because they weren't respected as children. Parents who fail to protect their child's self-esteem are the most unsuccessful parents.
13. Overbearing Control
Children have no say in dressing themselves, managing their time, choosing friends, or selecting extracurricular activities. Adults always justify it: "What do kids know? It's all for your own good."
This phenomenon is widespread in China, driven either by parental anxiety or the belief that their own views are superior. Yet even the youngest child is an individual whose interests and feelings deserve respect. They should have autonomy within reasonable limits.
Depriving children of self-determination not only hinders independence later in life but also robs them of opportunities to build confidence through completing tasks alone, often fostering an inferiority complex.Only by granting them opportunities to make their own decisions can they develop their individuality and avoid becoming indecisive. When it comes to making friends, we should offer principled guidance but avoid specific interference. In truth, different friends bring different benefits. A friend who struggles academically might be bold and quick-witted, enriching your child's personality. After all, don't we adults also value having diverse friends?