Your child is bright and diligent, yet consistently underperforms on major exams; your child has always excelled academically and morally, yet struggles to pass job interviews... Many parents, when raising children, often prioritize IQ over EQ.Recent psychological research indicates that emotional intelligence is far more effective than IQ in predicting future happiness, joy, and career success. So how can we raise emotionally intelligent children? While methods vary, parents can start with the simplest step: "speaking calmly."
First, avoid hitting or scolding children. One father once confided in me: "Dr. Zhang, what should I do?No matter how much I hit or yell at him, he remains just as hot-tempered and rude." The truth is, like father, like son. Children raised in an environment of physical and verbal abuse often develop emotional instability, low self-esteem, and frequently harbor hostility. One reason is that from a young age, they witness their parents' emotional response pattern of "frustration-aggression." Naturally, they learn by example, processing their anger through aggression when faced with setbacks.
Second, maintain composure under pressure and speak to your child in a calm tone. Model for them that facing stress doesn't have to mean losing your cool. When a child performs poorly on a test, parents often react as if facing a catastrophe: "This is terrible, the child has failed..." At such moments, the child's interpretation of the situation is often colored by the parent's emotional response: "Getting such a bad grade means the world is ending."Therefore, parents should calmly tell their child, "Exams are just a check on your learning—think of it as reporting back to yourself."
Third, be mindful of how you communicate with your spouse in front of your child.When conflicts arise between spouses, they should be discussed calmly and rationally. If the topic is suitable for the child, they can be invited to join the conversation: "Dad thinks we should do this, Mom thinks we should do that. What do you think would be best?" If a peaceful discussion isn't possible at the moment, remember never to argue in front of the child. (Zhang Yijun)