It's not that we all enjoy "playing the teacher," but life often forces us to explain things clearly. Yet articulating principles isn't easy—it often carries risks, like being labeled "preachy," "hypocritical," or "talking the talk without walking the walk." How can we convey truths without annoying others? It's difficult, but at least some principles can guide us.
1. Speak only what you genuinely believe
Some people spend their days preaching things they don't even believe themselves, hoping others will buy it—Mr. Li Ao called such individuals "bullshitters." Their success rate isn't low, and might even be quite high. But if exposed, the risks are enormous. Ruined reputation is just the beginning; worse, irreparable consequences could follow.While "what one truly believes" and "what is factually correct" aren't always the same, one's genuine convictions inevitably drive consistent action. Thus, principles one truly believes in are more likely to be correct—or at least have some merit—because they've been repeatedly tested through personal practice.Parents who write terrible handwriting yet constantly tell their children, "You must practice your writing," look as ridiculous as can be—though admittedly, good handwriting does offer many benefits. 2. Never pretend to be perfect Self-righteous people are already quite annoying, but those who are self-righteous in every aspect and at all times are basically a nuisance.No one is flawless. When persuading others, "personal perfection" isn't a prerequisite. While excelling in the subject you discuss makes your advice more credible, even if you're truly outstanding in that area, avoid acting like a know-it-all.Those who pretend will eventually be exposed—you can't fake authenticity. Lower your guard, for everyone is human—and as humans, we all have flaws, have made mistakes, and often feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and helpless by life's hardships. Life is tough for everyone; there's no shame in that—there's nothing you can't admit.
3. Prepare Thoroughly in Advance
Truthfully, thorough preparation is essential for any endeavor. This holds especially true for reasoning—it's fundamentally a labor of respect (I struggle to understand the notion that mental labor is superior to physical labor; isn't the brain part of the body?). Yet, inadequate preparation and a poor final execution can ultimately lead to utter embarrassment.Many assume that being an elder or a superior automatically grants them "authority." Little do they realize that precisely because they hold such positions, the cost of earning respect is exceptionally high, and the risk of losing face is exceptionally great.Reasoning with different people often requires different approaches; jumping in without rehearsal can easily backfire. Addressing individuals from varying levels and fields may demand distinct materials and depths of explanation. Without thorough preparation, you risk being the one who ends up getting lectured.4. Aim to genuinely help others, not to elevate yourself indirectly. If you can't help someone, don't complicate matters—this is a fundamental virtue. All attempts to elevate yourself through various means, whether overt or covert, will ultimately be exposed, resulting in "losing more than you gain."The logic is simple: true masters need no self-aggrandizement—for whether you're elevated or not is for others to judge. Why bother? It's futile. Everyone carries their own internal scale—and even if it's inaccurate, it's neither your place nor your right to calibrate it.If self-reflection reveals that your "preaching" is fundamentally just about elevating yourself or proving your own correctness, then spare others the trouble. They don't need it. 5. Choose Your Audience and Your Moment As the saying goes: "Not speaking to those who can understand is losing people; speaking to those who cannot understand is losing words." Some people simply don't grasp reason—preaching to them is like playing music to a cow.In fact, playing music to a cow might even increase its milk yield. But if you recklessly insist on reasoning with someone who can't grasp it, you might end up exhausted to the point of collapse—not worth the cost. For those you must help (or feel you should help), carefully choose your timing—only reason with the right people in the appropriate way when truly necessary. When I was very young, my mother taught me, "Don't lecture at the dinner table."Later, I realized how many people fail to grasp this simple principle's profound impact on quality of life. Carnegie cautioned against criticizing someone in front of others, yet despite his book's enduring popularity, little seems to have changed—perhaps because knowing is easy, but doing is hard.
6. Simplicity Above All
Reasoning with others is no different from writing: it must be concise, straightforward, effective, precise, comprehensive, and vivid.Among these fundamental qualities, brevity is paramount. Unless absolutely necessary, avoid verbosity. For instance, many children appear "rebellious" not because they relish defiance, but because they can't endure their parents' endless repetition of the same points.Many people struggle to explain things clearly and concisely because they've never developed the habit of preparing thoroughly beforehand. Once they start explaining, they're easily tempted by the occasional "upper hand" they gain, succumbing to the illusion and thrill of "pressing their advantage." This ultimately turns them into long-winded, tedious speakers who end up despised by everyone.
7. Avoid empty rhetoric
No principle is universally applicable. Useful principles invariably have a specific scope of application. More often than not, explaining the principle itself is unnecessary—people already grasp the obvious. What truly helps others is clarifying where that principle applies. The most irritating grand principles often cloak themselves in phrases like "...should..."Everyone knows what should be done (except those severely lacking common sense). What people often need isn't the "what," but the "why" and the "how." Merely stating the obvious while failing to clarify what must be explained for it to be effective isn't just lazy—it's dishonest and inexplicably frustrating.
8. Making Your Position Clear Matters
Offering advice is meant to help others. Sometimes, even obvious truths meet resistance because you failed to make it clear beforehand that "we're on the same side."You intended to help, yet unknowingly positioned yourself as the other person's adversary. At this point, their sole and most important goal becomes defeating you—effectively a case of "dying before achieving victory." Making it clear that your relationship should be one of "collaboration," that you are "on the same team," is the most crucial prerequisite. Without this foundation, all efforts are wasted. The bedrock of persuasion is always trust. More often than not, this also requires extensive groundwork beforehand.Trust isn't something you invent or seize; it's earned gradually.Most people genuinely "don't mean to" when they make mistakes. Being well-read and well-mannered doesn't always translate into appropriate behavior. Even if your reasoning is sound, the other person may need time to digest it; they may require further experiences to develop deeper understanding; and even after accepting your logic, they might need considerable time and willpower to translate that acceptance into appropriate actions. All of this takes time.Many teachers who strive to teach students "independent thinking" face a lifelong dilemma: the first thing these students do after learning to think independently is to oppose the very teacher who taught them. This is a major reason why most teachers instinctively avoid subjects requiring "deep thinking"—yet would you be willing to be such an unprincipled person?
10. Cultivate the Habit of Reflection