My emotions are running high right now. I've always been dissatisfied with my appearance and can't recall when I first considered cosmetic surgery.
Last October, I got double eyelid surgery with mediocre results, yet my parents remained strongly opposed. They constantly compared my eyes to how they were before, which really hurt my feelings. I genuinely don't understand why some parents actually encourage their children to get plastic surgery—sometimes I envy them.
I'd planned to get a nose job in May or June. Knowing my parents would oppose it, I kept it bottled up and never dared tell them. My family arranged a match for me—a man I genuinely dislike. But my mom keeps saying, "With your qualifications, it's hard to find someone like this." So I'm settling. Even though we've already bought wedding clothes and gold jewelry, I treat it all like playing house.
I know I'm not conventionally attractive—just a country girl with little education—but I still have high standards for marriage.
I asked him why his family hadn't bought a house in the city, or if they planned to buy a car. Maybe he's too honest, taking everything I say at face value. What a fool.
But I should never have told him about my rhinoplasty plans.
The sixth day of the New Year was my sister's wedding day. Mom had arranged my engagement too, but they called early that morning to cancel. Mom seemed even more heartbroken and upset than I was.I cried that day too, though I couldn't tell for whom—certainly not him (my boyfriend). Deep down, I despise him. What a moron. I don't regret not being together, but it hurts to wonder if I'm truly that unlovable. Last year, someone I met through matchmaking rejected me. Was it because I lack charm, or am I just plain average-looking?
Early this morning, Mom called crying, saying so many things I couldn't comfort her. I know I've hurt them. Though Dad didn't cry and spoke harshly to me, I know his heart is broken too. I texted them to reassure them—I've given up on getting a nose job. I want them to be okay.
Honestly, if society accepted plastic surgery, I'd still hope to become beautiful someday through it.
But I don't know if I'll ever get that chance in this lifetime. Thinking about it makes me want to end it all, but after much reflection, it's pointless. It would only hurt my family, bring shame, and leave my parents with lifelong heartache.
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