Hello! My wife and I met in college. After dating for 5-6 years, we married and now have a 3-year-old daughter. Because my wife is very petite, has poor health, and was spoiled growing up, she remains an immature young woman unfamiliar with social conventions. Throughout our relationship, I've always acted as her protector.
Then disaster struck—I was diagnosed with cancer, and the disease progressed rapidly. To ease the burden on my family, I've strived to shoulder everything alone since falling ill—both the costs and the treatments. Yet even the strongest break under pressure, and I've found no comfort from my wife. While undergoing treatment far from home, I never expected her to be at my bedside, but I couldn't even count on a single call of concern.When I confronted her in my pain, she piled on excuses, blamed me for pressuring her, and dug up old grievances.
Early in my illness, I even suggested divorce to spare her, but she refused. Now, nearly a year into chemotherapy back home, we barely speak—fewer than five calls a month—and she sees nothing wrong with that.Today, when I asked her how she felt about our situation, she said she felt guilty toward her mother because her father constantly used my situation to criticize her mom. All she thinks about now is her child's future well-being. As for us, she feels there's no future and doesn't know how to choose.Is it true that birds of a feather flock together, but when disaster strikes, they fly apart?
Expert Response:
Reading your situation, I feel deeply for you. I understand your feelings and hope you take good care of yourself.
From your account, it's clear your wife is a woman who's been spoiled—pampered by her parents before marriage and indulged by you afterward. Her mindset remains childlike, failing to evolve with her age and new role. After years of being cherished and cared for, facing life's hardships now—shifting from being cared for to having to shoulder responsibilities—she struggles to adapt and can't spare the energy for you.From another perspective, she has always taken emotional fulfillment from others without learning to give love herself. This has fostered a self-centered nature, making her incapable of sharing your joys and sorrows. When you most needed companionship and care, she failed to offer unwavering emotional support. Such behavior is indeed disappointing, but it stems from the seeds sown by her parents and you—by bearing too much for her, you allowed her to become a selfish and cold-hearted person.
While personality is shaped over years and isn't entirely unchangeable, altering it is indeed extremely difficult. Faced with her current attitude, you can only focus on taking good care of yourself, pursuing treatment actively, and seeking more avenues for recovery. Perhaps she's just temporarily struggling to adapt to life's blows, or maybe she'll eventually come to her senses and learn to take responsibility and love others—though that's not guaranteed.Beyond genetics, lifestyle factors, and environmental pollution, emotions and psychological states significantly influence cancer. Resentment, for instance, breeds toxins. May you find peace, forgive injustices, cultivate inner wisdom, and embrace life's lessons—perhaps existence will reward you with greater abundance.