Q: My daughter and I moved from Wuhan to Shanghai in 2003, while her father remained in Wuhan. Now 16, she attends high school in Shanghai. Last summer, she visited our hometown for an extended period, during which her father took leave to accompany her. One day, she secretly looked at his phone on the table and discovered numerous text messages and photos from another woman. This deeply traumatized her. She immediately confided in her grandparents and expressed her anger to me.
Frankly, this incident didn't surprise me. We've been separated for so long, and divorce was always on the table. It's just that a property back home complicates things. But this one incident completely shattered her father's image in her eyes. She keeps saying she "despises him." For over a year now, she refuses to listen to anything he says, constantly contradicting him. Every time they talk on the phone, they end up arguing and shouting.It seems the negative impression hasn't faded with time. Teacher Zhang, what should we do? Will this affect our child for life?
Answer: Both of you bear responsibility for this situation, as neither of you informed your daughter beforehand about your divorce plans. When a child accidentally discovers such news through other channels, the impact can be devastating.Your daughter is already in her first year of high school and is a girl. She should have sensed something long ago. It's likely that because you live apart and both you and her father put on such a convincing act, she never realized. So, this situation teaches us all a lesson: if you're preparing for divorce, don't forget to tell your child as soon as possible.
So how should you discuss divorce with your child? Here are key points: First, emphasize that divorce isn't caused by either parent's fault, but rather because the couple no longer loves each other or has diverged in life paths and pace, making cohabitation impossible. This primarily protects the child's image of their parents. If the child is older and mature enough, you can also use this opportunity to teach them about love and marriage.Regrettably, most Chinese parents fall short in this regard. They often disparage their ex-spouse to win the child's favor, venting their own emotions but causing lasting harm to the child. Second, outline future living arrangements to alleviate the child's anxieties.Third, emphasize to your child that no matter who they live with, both parents will always love them unconditionally. They are always welcome to live with the other parent whenever they choose. Fourth, discuss how to interact with a future stepfather or stepmother, and how to navigate societal prejudices or discrimination against divorced families and children of divorce.
You can still do the above things, especially since your child currently leans toward you and is more receptive to your words. You should explain why you plan to divorce as soon as possible. During this explanation, acknowledge that you share responsibility for keeping the divorce plans secret. Crucially, deliberately favor the child's father—for instance, tell your child that the woman he currently knows entered his life after you decided to divorce, so he bears no fault.Beyond this, two specific remedies exist: First, tell your child you still believe her father is an excellent parent, providing as many examples as possible to support this. Second, recall instances of her father's love during her early childhood, as people are particularly moved by events from their earliest years. These suggestions came from my son, and I believe they will be especially effective.