Before becoming parents, few systematically learn how to fulfill this role. This critical gap in preparation often leaves parents struggling with child-rearing decisions, potentially hindering their child's healthy development. Dr. Lin Wencai offers accessible insights into common parenting challenges, making this essential reading for all parents!
1.If you can be a good parent to yourself, you will naturally be a good parent to your child.
What does "being a good parent to yourself" mean? It means learning to be both gentle and firm with yourself. Specifically, how do you treat yourself when you fail or face setbacks? Do you become overly harsh? Do you struggle to forgive yourself? If so, you will likely treat your child the same way when they make mistakes.Another crucial point is whether you can control yourself—whether your inner voice can firmly say "No." If you can do this, you'll be able to say "No" to your child when needed. If you can't, you may end up relying solely on your mood when dealing with your child, lacking the ability to gauge appropriate boundaries.
2. Impulsive parents must first manage their own emotional states rather than projecting them onto their children.
Irritability isn't innate—it stems from unresolved emotions within you. I'm actually quite temperamental myself, but I don't lash out at others because I've learned to manage it. So parents who snap should first address their own inner turmoil, not dump their feelings on their kids. This isn't about suppression.
When I feel angry, I tell my children I'm upset and that I dislike it. At that point, they naturally become mindful. Because our relationship has always been strong, they don't want to damage it—deep down, children inherently understand that all their emotional and physical needs depend on their parents. So as long as parental requests are reasonable, children will try to avoid disrupting that bond. Only when demands become unreasonable will they actively seek to annoy you.
3. Parents who obsess over others' opinions and constantly compare themselves lack self-acceptance and need to become responsible for themselves.
Parents lacking self-acceptance often seek validation through their children's performance and changes. For example, a mother with low self-esteem might constantly demand her child be well-mannered, polite, academically excellent...using these as proof of being a good mother. But if you have sufficient self-worth, when your child is noisy, you'll consider that they might be in a bad mood. When your child faces problems, you'll think about how to help them as a mother, rather than turning these into personal issues. Your mind won't constantly race with thoughts like, "Oh my, if people see him like this, what will they think of me?"
Truthfully, children detest feeling exploited. If you constantly tell them, "You must behave well, or you'll embarrass your mother," they'll realize all your efforts are for your own pride—and this will only fuel their rebellion.
Therefore, parents must first organize their own selves—becoming individuals with abundant choices, accountable to themselves, and capable of perceiving and expressing their inner selves. Dr. Satir believed that only by resolving one's inner self can one effectively navigate the myriad challenges of the external world.
4. When parents harbor compensatory feelings toward their children, it reveals an inability to accept their own growth and a lingering longing for their own parents.
In such cases, the first step is to consciously reduce feelings of regret and longing, as these emotions create uncertainty when interacting with children—leading to either overdoing things or underdoing them.Next, try to find the positive aspects of your own growth. Ask yourself: "Can I accept my own growth? It might be difficult, but I'm doing pretty well today, and because of it, I've become stronger, more independent, and more tolerant..."
Childhood inevitably holds regrets, but it also undoubtedly brought you positive experiences. Regardless, you've navigated it and learned a great deal.So please accept yourself, embrace your growth, and let go of your longing for your parents.
Likewise, your child's desires belong to them alone. You have no obligation to fulfill their wishes, just as your parents had no obligation to fulfill yours. Everyone's expectations are their own. If others choose to meet yours, be grateful. If they don't, it's simply natural.
If my child tells me how another mother acts, I'd say, "I'm sorry, I can't do that." And I'd let them know: I'm happy if you meet my expectations, but if you can't, I still accept you and love you just the same—Mom accepts you unconditionally. So, if Mom can't fully meet your expectations, can you accept Mom?