I have a close friend of the opposite sex. We share many common interests and hobbies, and we stay in frequent contact. Whenever I think about our relationship, I feel a deep sense of warmth. She is like my soulmate—in her presence, I feel accepted, comfortable, and able to be myself without excessive restraint.
One thing that warms my heart most is that I selectively respond to her messages.
I never worry she'll feel hurt or think I don't value her, because I know she trusts me. She holds this belief: important matters will get a reply when I see them, while less urgent ones won't be ignored—just handled with care.
2
It wasn't always this way.We've known each other for over three years and once had a very serious conflict. The reason was that she simply couldn't accept my random replies—perhaps because of my own tendency to choose not to care about certain things. As close friends, we laid bare our inner thoughts:
Me: I can accept you not replying promptly. After all, everyone gets busy sometimes. I'm not the type to make unreasonable demands. Everyone has their own affairs, and I understand that.But it's impossible to go a whole day without checking your phone at least once. It felt like you were deliberately ignoring my messages, choosing to be aloof.
But I wanted to explain that sometimes I genuinely didn't have the capacity to reply.
It was a weak excuse, and saying it felt pathetic—even I found it a bit ridiculous at first. "Limited capacity" to reply to a message?
That argument ended with us both giving each other the cold shoulder.We delved into why she fixates so much on my delayed replies. Why she feels so easily neglected. Why she doubts my genuine care despite my efforts, always overthinking. She stopped berating me and began acknowledging her own role: "I want to be the most important person to you—even when compared to your work or other friends.I've always tried to make myself better, to make others care about me, just to feel important, to feel less worthless. And I also want to be important to you.
When someone feels unimportant deep down, they'll always interpret things their own way. They'll constantly find evidence that they're unimportant and then take it out on the other person. Maybe it's a fragile heart, being overly sensitive, caring too much about what others think.
4
I have to admit, sometimes I just don't feel like replying to your messages. It's not malicious, not because I'm busy or forgot, and it has nothing to do with how important you are to me. It's simply that I'm annoyed and don't want to respond. When I'm annoyed, I don't want to interact with the outside world because I don't want to bring my bad mood to others or affect their mood.
5
The conflict between us arose because our different traumas were triggered.
In adulthood, many relationships are shaped by interpreting others through our own experiences. When someone doesn't treat us as we mentally expect, we get angry and disappointed. The truth is, neither of us sees the other's genuine vulnerability. True understanding means knowing the deepest, most wounded part of each other's heart.
6
I said, "We've been through so much together, comforted each other for years, know each other too well, and share too many secrets. Yet you still doubt our relationship and question whether you matter in my world? I could curse you for it."
Then she presented evidence of why I consider her important. She said:
Even when you don't reply to my messages right away, many of them are sent on impulse anyway. If something truly needs a response, I'll remind you several times. When it's important or I really need it, you always reply calmly and give me comfort.Only you know how to soothe my feelings just right. And when I'm upset, you're always the first to notice."
I smiled and ruffled her hair, saying, "You look really ugly when you're crying and laughing at the same time."