Case Study: Qian Ying, 23, is beautiful and gentle, attracting many admirers. Yet every relationship she's had ended in failure. The reason? She cannot tolerate any physical contact with men.What secret lies behind her search for love while simultaneously fearing it?
1. Age 11: Losing Her Parents' Love
Qian Ying explains that whenever a relationship reaches a certain stage, even the slightest display of affection from her boyfriend—such as a hug, which seems perfectly normal to others—makes her feel extremely uncomfortable.She explains, "When he asks me to link arms or we embrace affectionately, I'm reminded of my parents..."
Qian Ying actually gets along well with her boyfriends, but as relationships deepen, her parents' divorce becomes an insurmountable barrier. The closer she gets, the more she dreads bringing it up.She feared that revealing her parents' divorce would make her boyfriend pity her. Moreover, she dreaded the possibility of the same tragedy happening to her. So she avoided intimacy by refusing her boyfriend's advances. Each time this happened, they parted on bad terms. Eventually, her boyfriend broke up with her.Qian Ying still vividly remembers the day her parents divorced. Young Qian Ying came home from school at noon to find a crowd gathered in the house. She thought relatives had visited, but the somber expressions on their faces suggested something serious was happening. When she asked, no one answered. She spotted a divorce agreement on the table. Slowly, she approached her mother.Her mother told her, "From now on, you won't live with me anymore. You'll have to take care of yourself." The next day, her father sent little Qianying to her grandmother's house. Missing her mother, she ran to her mother's place. When her father found out, he beat her severely and sent her back to her grandmother's house.
After her parents' divorce, little Qianying's life changed dramatically.With her mother gone and her father off to Xinjiang, the young girl had to handle everything on her own. When she fell ill, she lay alone in bed. During IV treatments, she watched other children surrounded by parents while she remained utterly alone... Moreover, having once lived in the city with both parents, she now resided in the countryside with her grandmother. The unfamiliar surroundings and strangers deepened her profound sense of loss.
In her memory, her father had a violent temper. He made all decisions without discussion, and he was a heavy drinker. Every time he came home drunk, he would raise his fists. He would start by picking fights and hitting her mother, then turn on her. The mother and daughter would flee in panic, while neighbors gathered to watch the commotion.Living amidst this domestic warfare, Qian Ying lost her sense of security at a time when she still needed her parents' care and protection. Even now, she couldn't explain why her boyfriend's slightest physical touch would instantly conjure memories of her father's blows.
2. Age 17: Saving Her Parents' Marriage
Qian Ying kept two photographs close: one was a family portrait.The other is her parents' wedding photo. This one holds deeper meaning for her. It originally sat in a frame at her grandmother's house. One year, while her grandmother was organizing photo frames (her parents had already divorced by then), Qian Ying saw her grandmother preparing to discard this old picture and asked to keep it.Truthfully, Qian Ying wanted more than just to keep these two black-and-white photos. She desperately hoped her parents would remarry. She wanted them to mend their broken relationship and become a happy couple again.
On her 17th birthday, Qian Ying suddenly had an idea: Since her parents' divorce, the family had never eaten together again. Using her birthday as an opportunity to bring them together seemed like the perfect chance to reunite them.She called them separately, then went to KFC to buy a lot of food. When she got home, she saw her mother had returned but her father hadn't come yet, so she called him again. Her father asked who was at home. Qian Ying said, "Mom's back." But her father replied, "I'm not coming. There's nothing good to eat." Yet not long after, her father still showed up. After six years apart, the family sat together again, and little Qian Ying was secretly thrilled.Unexpectedly, her parents sat stiffly in silence. She pleaded, "If you two just get back together, I'll do whatever you want. I'll follow your every word." They both said it was impossible, dismissing her efforts. Not long after, her father found another woman.
To this day, Qianying hasn't given up on her plan to reunite her parents.Why must she insist on their reunion? Would her own life improve if they reconciled? Qianying explains: "First, I have issues I can discuss with them when I visit—unlike now, where I bear everything alone. When my parents aren't at peace, they become as sensitive as I am, harboring discomfort without voicing it. Sometimes I feel I'm not living for myself, but for them."
3. Expert Advice: Let Go of Illusions, Seek True Love
Psychologist Zhao Mei believes Qian Ying has placed herself at the center of her parents' divorce, allowing its shadow to overshadow her own growth and stifle the joy and happiness she deserves.
In reality, divorce itself carries no inherent right or wrong, good or bad. It is simply one form of interpersonal relationship.For Qianying's parents, divorce might have been their way to escape suffering. She should recognize that her parents' lives are the result of their own choices. It cannot and should not dictate her own life; she must begin anew.
The expert advises Qianying to focus on three actions: 1. Quickly erase the negative impact of her parents' divorce;2. Break free from childhood experiences and patterns, expand social connections, and refuse to let past experiences dictate her present and future; 3. Believe in her capacity to create her own harmonious life model. Transform her parents' divorce into a positive stimulus, motivating her to find a better way of living.
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