My mother was a woman from the water towns of Jiangnan, slender and delicate, not fitting the aesthetic standards of northern rural areas. So her two younger sisters-in-law gossiped to my grandmother, saying my mother was frail and might not be able to bear children. My grandmother then repeated this to my father. My father flew into a rage, but couldn't confront my grandmother directly. Instead, he scolded my two aunts right in front of her:I like her just the way she is! What's wrong with a woman being a little frail? An educated woman should look like that. If she had big hands and feet like you, she'd only be fit for farm work!" My grandmother and aunts were so frightened they dared not breathe. See? My dad was quite the chauvinist, but you had to watch where he directed his energy.
Toilets in northern rural areas were filthy, especially forty years ago. My mother dared not use them, so my father found a basin for her to use indoors. Afterward, he’d carry it out to dispose of it with complete composure. When my aunt saw this, she gasped dramatically: "Brother, you’re a high-ranking official! How can you be carrying her waste? You’re spoiling her rotten."" Hearing this, my dad handed her the basin and said, "Oh? You think I shouldn't do it? Then you go ahead. She's your sister-in-law—an elder sister-in-law is like a mother. It's your duty." My aunt was dumbfounded and had no choice but to empty the basin for my mom. She never dared to say another word about it.
Back then, my dad was famous throughout the surrounding villages. Everyone saw him as a hero, so many people came to visit. My grandmother's family felt my father was truly a remarkable man. They believed my mother had married into immense fortune, and that serving him like a beast of burden was her rightful duty. Consequently, they constantly tried to put her down, whether directly or indirectly.Then one day, after drinking heavily, my father spilled the truth. Staggering drunk in front of many people, he slurred, "The proudest thing in my life is marrying such an educated and beautiful wife. Back then, countless men wanted her—all higher-ranking than me. Yet she chose me alone. I'd give my life to keep her happy. If anyone but my mother ever makes her suffer, they can forget speaking to me. I won't recognize them.Everyone froze. Though my grandmother was granted the privilege to wrong my mother without consequence, do you think she dared to use it? Do you think my father was truly drunk that day?
Establishing this rule early on meant far fewer troubles later. Even when minor conflicts arose, my father always stood squarely by my mother's side. That's why, over the years, our family has experienced remarkably few conflicts.Why? Marriage is about two people building a life together. In-laws are ultimately outsiders. As long as your own family is united, outsiders have no say. If they do speak, just ignore them. My father never allowed outsiders to meddle in our family affairs.He's a man who honors his elders without blind obedience. He treats my grandmother with the best food, drink, and care, but he never treats her words as gospel. He's made it clear: What do old people know? If she's confused, you can't let yourself get confused too. As for his siblings, if they're sensible and respectful, he helps them whenever he can. But if they harbor unreasonable desires or try to stir up trouble, he sends them packing immediately, showing no mercy. That's why no one dares to speak ill of my mother in front of him.
I believe a husband's stance is paramount. If he genuinely wants to resolve issues, nothing is unsolvable. The crux lies in whether he loves you and is willing to stand up for you. Those cowardly men who hide like turtles, pretending not to see their wives suffer—they should be kicked out the moment they show their faces. As for those who side with their own family to bully their wives? Divorce them immediately.
That's why I refuse to believe nonsense about being caught between two sides. What kind of man can't even protect his own wife? My father was a man of principle. Though he came from the countryside, he never tolerated his rural relatives' bad habits. He'd say, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do. You can act however you want back home, but in my house, you follow my rules."He never demanded his wife or children accommodate them either, believing his wife had her own habits—why should she bend for others? Forcing someone to compromise in their own home? That's absurd.
So even when relatives from the countryside overstepped, one stern look from my dad silenced them. We never felt overly burdened by it.You can't choose your birth, but you can choose how you live. As for that "pigeonhole mentality" nonsense, I think they deserve it. People like that, always using their background as an excuse, should've stayed in the countryside to marry and raise kids. They never should've come out to bother others while putting on that aggrieved act.
Moreover, helping others should be within one's means—no need to pretend to be something you're not. My father usually accommodated reasonable requests from relatives. He didn't smoke or drink, lived frugally, and supported his children and nephews in their education. But he never demanded his wife or children sacrifice their own comforts to aid others.My aunt once complained that one coat for my mother could have sustained her family for months. But my father never felt my mother should have skipped that coat to give the money to my aunt. As he put it, "You have food and clothes, and I've paid for your children's education. Why should you care what your sister-in-law wears? Everyone has their own life. You don't need to compare yourself to her—you can't anyway. You can't demand absolute equality."
I don't oppose marrying someone from a rural background, but I oppose marrying someone from a rural background whose family is extremely poor and deeply in debt to others. Because if his college tuition was scraped together by the entire family or even the whole village, and his siblings had to work or drop out of school to support his education, you'd face immense hardship. In such a situation, you can't refuse to help—to do so would be ungrateful.My advice is to avoid creating unnecessary complications. Once you get involved in this, you're stuck with it.
Also, I absolutely despise men using excuses like "that's just how things are done where we're from." What does "custom" even mean? A place might have its own customs, but once you leave that place, stop spouting nonsense about traditions—otherwise you'll just make yourself look ridiculous. Ethnic minorities might still practice bride kidnapping back home, but try that in the city—you'd get beaten to a pulp, you filthy scoundrel!Using "customs" to bully your own wife for your parents and brothers? You're a complete fool. And you have the nerve to complain about others disrespecting you or looking down on rural folks? Remember this: people disgrace themselves before others disgrace them. Even if your wife not following your customs isn't an insult to your family, and even if it were, well—you deserve it.I've seen posts claiming daughters-in-law must kowtow to in-laws and elders during New Year's, some even requiring bows to every elder in the village. If the wife refuses, the husband gets upset, thinking she disrespects his family. People like that deserve a good beating.In our family, we've always been stubborn. We never had the custom of younger generations kowtowing to living elders. Even for deceased elders, it depended on whether they'd shown us kindness or loyalty—not just anyone could make us kneel. Now, just because I got married, I'm supposed to kneel before unrelated outsiders? If I dared to kneel, my dad would slap me silly. Why? Because it's utterly degrading.
Rural Shandong customs discriminate against women—in formal settings, women and children aren't allowed to dine at the table with men, forced to eat in the kitchen instead. But when my dad brought my mom home to visit, he insisted she and my grandmother sat at the head table for every meal. Why? Customs are made by people, and people can break them. My dad was fearless like that.Laws still have to consider "benign customs," but unreasonable customs must be broken. Anyone clinging to such traditions is just asking for a slap.
When country relatives visit our home, my mom and I not only eat at the table, but if it's my mom's turn to cook, no one touches their chopsticks until she sits down at the table without her apron on. That's basic respect for the homemaker. What are customs? This is our family's custom.My aunt initially disapproved. My dad told her, "If you insist on eating in the kitchen, go sit in the kitchen now. No one's stopping you. Our family values freedom. If you don't go, then sit here quietly and eat your meal. Don't go looking for trouble."So I think all this talk about difficult mothers-in-law or sisters-in-law, or how troublesome they are—it's all spoiled behavior. If no one pays her any mind, does she dare keep talking? Anyway, over the years, I've never seen anyone dare cause trouble for my mom. They're all intimidated by my dad.
Another excuse that really gets on my nerves is when a man tells his wife: "You have to listen to me in front of outsiders and my family. You have to work harder—just do it for my sake." My dad despises men like that. He says a soldier's honor is earned with real guns and real battles, paid for with their lives. What kind of honor is it to act tough outside but bully your wife at home?Of course, this might be a bit much for you ladies to emulate, but you can take the idea that a man's respect is earned through hard work, results, and achievements. Whatever you do, don't come home looking for respect. Forget respect—you'll just end up losing face.You give him face in public, you give him face in front of his family—what about your own dignity? Have you no shame?