In traditional societies of the past, elders were regarded as authorities, and daughters-in-law would respect the elderly. However, with shifting social values, there is no longer a clear right or wrong in such matters, and mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflicts appear to be lessening. In reality, while rising divorce rates and the proliferation of nuclear families have made such issues less frequent and severe than imagined, this does not mean these conflicts have disappeared. Compared to previous proportions, they may actually have increased.The apparent reduction in modern mother-in-law/daughter-in-law conflicts often stems from daughters-in-law disregarding their mothers-in-law. Traditional daughters-in-law were deeply concerned about receiving praise from their mothers-in-law and worried about neighborhood gossip. Modern women, however, possess stronger self-awareness and often believe, "I married you as an individual, not your family." Consequently, they pay little attention to others' opinions of them.Some daughters-in-law even lecture their mothers-in-law, deeming their views outdated. In traditional relationships, mothers-in-law typically held the upper hand, but modern dynamics lean toward equality. Assertive daughters-in-law may even engage in heated arguments with their mothers-in-law.Controversies in Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships Controversy ① Differences in Customs Religious differences are often a source of conflict. For example, if the mother-in-law is a devout Buddhist who frequently performs rituals, and the daughter-in-law is Christian, disagreements can easily arise. In such cases, the daughter-in-law might say to her mother-in-law, "Due to my religious beliefs, I cannot participate in the rituals, but I can help prepare the necessary items."Furthermore, avoid dismissing the other's faith; respect each other's beliefs and refrain from attempting to convert anyone. Huang Lunfen emphasizes that when religious customs differ, the husband plays a crucial role. If he can step in at the right moment and say, "I'll handle the worship. My father-in-law will be satisfied just seeing me!" he can help his wife navigate the situation and defuse tension between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.Controversy ①: Vastly Different Lifestyles During rare weekend holidays, most couples seize the chance to take their children on outings. However, some grandparents prefer staying home to rest and insist their son and daughter-in-law remain to keep them company.Conflict often arises when one party tries to use "family" as a reason to keep the other at home. When facing such issues, the first consideration should be "What do I want?" followed by "How should I communicate this?" Establishing this order of priority prevents internal conflict.For instance, if Mom wants her child to lead an enriching life and see more of the world, she shouldn't fear upsetting Grandma by bottling up her feelings. She might try saying: "At this age, kids need exercise—running around outside helps them sleep better at night!" Or: "The doctor said his nasal allergies require regular jogs in the park." Most mothers-in-law find such explanations easier to accept.Controversy ②: Differing Approaches to Child-Rearing Many modern mothers-in-law are highly educated and prioritize academic excellence and degrees for their grandchildren. However, today's parents often hold different values. With heightened self-awareness, they tend to emphasize emotional expression, independence, and developing practical skills over excessive schooling, believing that every field can produce champions. This difference in values leads to conflicting views on raising grandchildren.If the mother-in-law can adjust her mindset, entrusting parenting decisions to her son and daughter-in-law while stepping back, she can focus on her own well-being. Conflict Point 3: Does the Child Prefer the Grandmother? In modern dual-income families, children are often raised by grandmothers after birth due to parental work commitments, only moving in with their parents once they start school. This can foster closer bonds between children and grandmothers, potentially sparking jealousy over the child's affection.Neither grandmother nor mother should try to monopolize the child, forcing them to choose between the two and creating hardship. The mother should express gratitude for the grandmother's childcare assistance and learn to accept that the child naturally favors the grandmother due to early exposure. While it's good for the child to be cherished, the crucial point is what kind of parent-child relationship the mother wishes to build once the child returns home.
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Controversy ④: Does the mother-in-law drive a wedge between grandson and daughter-in-law? For example, a mother-in-law might tell her grandson, "Your mom is lazy; she only does laundry once a week." The innocent child might repeat this to his mother. Naturally, most daughters-in-law would think, "How could my mother-in-law say such things about me, damaging my relationship with my child!"But if the daughter-in-law can shift her perspective—understanding that the mother-in-law's comment targets the laundry chore itself, not personal bias—it becomes easier to handle. Mommy could explain to her child: "Grandma thinks washing clothes daily is better, and I agree. But Mommy doesn't have enough time for that." This helps the child understand that Grandma isn't criticizing Mommy, just that they have different approaches.Some mothers-in-law might say things like, "Other people's kids play the piano so well, but ours can't do it at all." If the daughter-in-law interprets this as "Grandma thinks I can't teach my child," it can easily create psychological tension.Conversely, if the mother-in-law approaches it calmly and says to the child, "Grandma thinks it's wonderful that you play the piano. That's her wish. We have our own wishes too. Do you like playing the piano?" If the child says they don't like it, she could ask what they do like. If the child says they like drawing, she could respond, "Oh, you like drawing! That's great!Shall we draw a picture for Grandma?" This approach helps the mother-in-law accept that everyone has different interests and shouldn't be forced. The grandson has other talents and strengths. If both sides can maturely consider the "issue" at hand rather than blaming the "person," conflicts can be resolved.Dispute ⑤: Husband Caught in the Middle—What a Dilemma! When conflicts arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, should the husband speak up? Taking sides is never the right approach, so most husbands choose to stay silent. However, if the husband remains silent, the issue won't be resolved—it will only make the wife angrier.When husbands fail to protect their wives, wives may feel, "You're not my husband; you're still your mother's son," causing both mother-in-law/daughter-in-law tensions and marital strain to escalate. When the mother-in-law constantly complains about her daughter-in-law, the husband should tell his mother: "She's a different person from you, with many different habits and ways of thinking. Please be more tolerant of her."" Then he should turn to his wife and say, "I'm sorry. Because you married me, you have to deal with my mother. I know she can be difficult sometimes. Thank you for putting up with her!" Hearing this, the wife will feel that at least her husband understands her struggles, and their marital bond is less likely to deteriorate. When conflicts arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, some husbands might tell their wives, "How many years does she have left? Just humor her a little!"" This approach will likely make the wife dwell daily on "when will my mother-in-law pass away," only worsening the relationship. Additionally, husbands should avoid telling their wives, "Do this for my sake, don't argue with her." They must also refrain from acting as a messenger between them. Only by speaking up fairly and justly at the right moments can mother-in-law and daughter-in-law disputes be resolved.
This article comes from Public Health Network