After delivering an emotional intelligence lecture to a group of male entrepreneurs, one approached me afterward: "Dr. Zhang, will you be holding the EQ winter camp again this year?" "Of course, it kicks off in late January," I replied with a smile.
He continued, "I've noticed my eleven-year-old son has some issues and would like you to train him properly..." Then he pulled out a birthday card—a gift from his son for his birthday last week.I opened it. Inside was written: "Dad, I know you won't be happy on your birthday, so I wish you a happy divorce!"
Good heavens, what an unusual birthday wish! I couldn't help but ask why the son felt this way.
The father explained that over the past two years, conflicts with his wife had intensified, leading to near-daily arguments. The children witnessed everything.The couple was so caught up in their arguments that they completely failed to realize the profound psychological impact this was having on their child.
The child grew cold and withdrawn toward his parents. So when the father received the card on his birthday, he was initially filled with surprise and joy—only to find such words inside when he opened it...
Hmm,Many parents forget that their own words and actions are the most vivid textbooks for their children. If marital issues aren't handled well, it affects more than just the couple's relationship—it also harms the child's mental health.
I looked at the anxious father before me: "What are you and your wife constantly arguing about?"He replied that it was mostly everyday trivialities, but since both belonged to the "volcanic eruption type," once anger flared, they vented it completely: shouting, hurling insults... They'd heard that bottling up anger makes you sick, and only venting it was the smart thing to do.
Indeed, poorly managed anger is a high-risk trigger for family conflicts and a source of negative emotional modeling for children.
So should we vent our anger freely?
In reality, "letting it all out" doesn't truly calm us—it actually makes us more prone to anger.
This is because our emotional responses form behavioral habits, creating unbreakable neural connections in the brain. Confusing? Let me break it down.
For example, if someone speaks harshly to you and you feel boiling rage, then decide to yell back, a connection forms in your brain (insult → retort). If you choose to retaliate physically, another neural pathway emerges(insulted → hit someone). Once the brain establishes such neural pathways, it's like opening a highway. The next time a similar situation arises, you naturally take this well-worn route again.
Therefore, the more prone you are to anger, the easier it is to get angry again. Moreover, whenever you get angry, your body releases destructive hormones. The first victim of this anger is actually yourself, heh!
Thus, venting anger does nothing to boost your emotional intelligence—it only fuels more rage!
So what should we do?
Anger management experts emphasize that confronting anger isn't about suppressing it or avoiding discomfort. Instead, we must harness its power: turn inner fury into a driving force, not an obstacle.
The first step in effective anger management is self-awareness. Here are three questions worth pondering when you're angry:
(1) What am I feeling right now? Why am I feeling this way?
(2) What is this anger telling me?
(3) What should I do to achieve my goal?
For instance, if you're boiling over with rage after a disagreement with your partner over trivial household matters, lashing out with insults or physical force is utterly unwise. To change how you handle your anger, consider these three questions:
(1) "I feel furious because she shouldn't be so controlling."
(2) "My anger shows how much I care about her respecting me."
(3) "My goal is for her to respect my thoughts. Yelling won't achieve that. I should calm her down and gently tell her, 'Let me handle this small matter.'"
Maintaining a marriage is essentially managing emotions. When we learn to avoid unnecessary outbursts, we successfully regulate our feelings and cultivate a harmonious family atmosphere. This way, children's emotional intelligence won't become collateral damage in parental conflicts.