Funded by the National Institutes of Health, Obschinsky has conducted a longitudinal study since 1986, regularly collecting data from 373 couples who married between ages 25 and 27. Over 25 years of continuous research, 46% of these couples divorced—a rate consistent with census and other national data.O'Brien tracked many divorced individuals who entered new relationships, asking 210 of them what they learned from their mistakes. Here are their insights and advice: Boost Your Partner's Emotional Well-Being 15% of divorcees said they would give their future partner more "emotional affirmation"—including compliments, hugs and kisses, holding hands, saying "I love you," and offering emotional support.Expressing love and care builds trust. Divorcees identified four key elements of emotional expression: how often partners express affection; how often they make each other feel good about themselves; how often they validate each other's thoughts and actions; and how often they inject fun or passion into daily life.
Talk More About Money
Forty-nine percent of divorcees in the study reported intense arguments with their partners over money—whether due to differing spending habits, financial dishonesty, or one partner earning significantly more and attempting to control the other. They all believe money will remain an issue in their next marriage.
Let go of the past
To build a healthy relationship with your partner, you must release the past. This means not feeling jealous about their previous romantic relationships, not dwelling on how your mother-in-law treated you, not fixating on childhood experiences that make it hard to trust others, and forgetting that argument you had with your partner six months ago.
Blame with care
Research shows those who blame exes or themselves for divorce experience higher anxiety, depression, and insomnia. How to criticize healthily? Use "we" instead of "you" or "I." Say "we've both been exhausted lately" rather than "you're so irritable." When blame subsides, solutions emerge more easily.
Open Up and Show Your True Self
Couples need to speak in calm, caring voices. They should learn to argue in a way that leads to solutions rather than more anger. They need to practice "active listening"—striving to hear what the other person is saying, repeating what they just heard, and asking if they understood correctly. For good communication, both partners need to reveal more of themselves, rather than just engaging in "defensive communication."
Master 3 Skills for a Lasting Marriage
1. Learn to Face Plateaus Head-On Life has its ups and downs, and marriage is no exception. It's impossible to stay in the honeymoon phase forever. Everyone encounters plateaus, though the timing and approach to handling them vary. When your marriage hits a plateau, don't avoid or hide from it. Confront it directly so the issue can be resolved.
2. Reduce Complaints After marriage, daily life brings its share of worries. Women often start complaining about this and that. Too much complaining can gradually erode affection. So don't be stingy with your praise. Let him know you still appreciate him. This fosters harmony in your marriage.
III. Practice Empathy Marriage transforms you into family—no longer a solitary world. Your partner's mood directly affects yours. When minor friction arises, learn to see things from their perspective. You'll gain understanding and lose resentment. When both partners embrace this mindset, your marriage will flourish with greater happiness.