My mother spoke with a sharp tongue, notorious in our neighborhood for her cutting remarks. No one dared cross her—they said her words carried the weight of ten men's fists. She never laid a hand on me, but her scolding could leave me utterly humiliated.From childhood, I was an obedient child, living entirely according to my parents' wishes just to avoid my mother's scolding. Truthfully, my mother was a hardworking and kind woman, yet for some reason, whenever I think of her, I still feel a bit of resentment.
Especially once when my husband and I were arguing. He looked at me with disbelief and said, "How could you say such vicious things? I can't believe it."I froze. In that instant, I was transported back to my childhood: head bowed low before my mother as she yelled at me... I felt utterly hopeless. I'd heard since I was very young that children inevitably carry their parents' shadows. Back then, I vowed never to become like my mother when I grew up. Yet somehow, I never escaped her shadow.Ever since that outburst at my husband, I've tried to avoid conflicts with him. But I've discovered that the more I try to control myself from lashing out at him, the more those vicious words seem to spill out uncontrollably. Sadly, I realize I'm becoming more and more like my mother.How can I break free from her shadow?
Zhang Jing, Harbin
Dear Zhang Jing:
As we grow up, each of us encounters one or more "significant others" who leave an indelible mark on our psychological development and character formation. Clearly, your mother is one such "significant other" in your life. But does that mean you can never step out of her shadow? Absolutely not.In fact, recognizing your mother's influence is already your first step out of her shadow.
Your letter reveals complex feelings toward your mother—a tangled mix of love and resentment that leaves you at a loss when facing your own issues. Let's analyze this together. I believe your mother's impact on you is multifaceted. You mentioned she is a hardworking and kind woman, undoubtedly possessing many admirable virtues that have deeply shaped you.Consider this: Could your so-called "hatred" toward your mother simply stem from disliking her harsh way of speaking? Recognizing this allows you to separate your feelings for her as a person from your dislike of her sharp tongue. Only when you realize you've merely adopted her abrasive communication style will you seek to overcome this flaw—rather than blaming her and shifting responsibility onto her.
Furthermore, don't be overly shocked by harsh words exchanged during marital arguments. Pay a little attention, and you might notice your husband has said similar things. When he accuses you of speaking venomously, it's likely just a "weak counterargument" when he can't win the debate—don't dwell on it too much. Human psychology is peculiar: the more you fixate on something, the more it clings to you.Freeing yourself from such fixation is the only way to break this psychological spell.
In truth, arguments only damage emotional bonds. The best way to avoid marital conflicts is for both partners to calmly sit down, communicate effectively, and pinpoint the root of the problem. (Expert: Xiang Jie)
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